It’s been a year already?

And just like that Buddha Baby is 13 months old, I am back at work and squarely back to struggling with transition.

There are many different types of people in the world, one of those being those people who transition very easily and adapt well to change. This is where you need to realize that I am not that type of person. I’m the “attempt to plan every detail and set up a solid foundation that I can ground myself on and then go through the motions” type of person. Clearly that is not realistic and so I tend to create un-necessary mental turmoil for myself.

If you are one of the first types.. I’m here. I’m listening… please impart your wisdom on me!

If you fit more so into my type… I’m here. Commiserate with me!

Let’s back things up a bit. I had mixed emotions to going back to work. I was heading back to a job that I took a voluntary year long unpaid leave from starting just before I conceived Buddha Baby. I knew it was a job that had severely impacted my mental health prior to taking this leave. And yet something in me said that I needed to give it another shot to see if now that I was different and some staff was different if things would have changed for the better. Spoiler alert: it still sucks. But before I re-entered this position I honestly believed that I would do better. That magically I would be able to handle the constant disrespect easier because I had somehow developed this newfound patience and understanding. Nope that patience and understanding seems to be reserved for Buddha Baby, namely when he’s teething, or when he’s all congested from daycare- look at how well he shares!

The scary thing is that the disrespect that is part of my day to day at work is universally experienced in people with the same role as me. I meet individuals 25 years into their careers who are still dealing with the same issues. And it is by far the biggest roadblock in my career. It makes me question is this really worth it? Am I really helping anyone?

Now this may be one of those areas where I could overlook the disrespect if this was my life’s burning passion and I couldn’t live without it. But two weeks into my degree (my third and final degree for now) I was ready to call it quits and throw in the towel. I had never been so unhappy with where I was at and I knew in all of my being this wasn’t right for me- I was having to sacrifice my mental and physical health and none of the work came easily to me.

I should mention that my first two university degrees were no walk in the park. I had to put in a lot of blood, sweat and tears. But on average the work came easily to me. I understood the concepts I could link them both within the field and cross divisions. Did I have a mental breakdown or two while getting through those years? Of course! But the difference is that, despite it being a lot of work and being difficult, it felt natural.

I somehow got roped into the “you should complete the degree,” “you’ll never regret having more education” ideologies. [Which happen to be complete and utter bullshit. If I can impart one pearl of wisdom on you it’s listen to your body’s screams over your social circle’s beliefs. After all, you’re the only one who has to live with your decisions]. And I continued on in my pursuit of career number two. After graduating I figured I would work some temporary or casual jobs in the field to see if I could do this and then make an informed decision from a place of understanding and wisdom. In reality, I got hired full-time permanent right away which is very rare and immediately stepped onto the hamster wheel feeling like it was my only opportunity to enter the field and not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth or however that saying goes. Needless to say the road has been bumpy.

This transition back to my former roll was intended to be a trial period- work for 3 months, take 2 months to reflect and then assess where to go from there. And the whole, one foot in and one foot out thing is a very difficult act to nail. As someone who, admittedly, doesn’t handle transitions well, giving myself a ‘limbo’ period was kind of a stupid idea. I am now at an impass of: stay in current role until sometime in the undefined future when we will hopefully be able to give Buddha Baby a sibling, switch into a different role within the same career and hope for the best, or get the fuck out and start taking baby steps back  towards career number one.

The past three days I have had this incredible inkling that I am not where I am supposed to be and that I need to go back to my first degree. Shift careers. Start over. Now in my early 20s the thought of switching careers and starting over didn’t scare me. Today, in my late 20s with a husband, a son and a mortgage the idea of the unknown is paralyzing.

I know that people give up their secure jobs everyday to pursue their dreams, and I admire those people. Heck, I even listen to Cathy Heller’s “Don’t Keep your Day Job” podcast every week.  The thought of actually following through on that for myself is overwhelming: what if no one wants to hire me because I’ve been out of the field for so long? What if I can’t find a job closer to home and then I end up having to put Buddha Baby into daycare for longer days? And the list goes on and on… what if, what if, what if? Now Cathy would say these were my limiting beliefs because deep down I don’t think I am worthy. Ouch.

Yet I keep coming back to the thought: what am I doing all of this for? Does the pay really matter? And at the end of the day my heart’s answer is no. No it doesn’t. My mind immediately lands on Danielle LaPort’s #truthbomb : Inner attunement over outer attainment. I believe that relationships matter more. I believe that my own physical and mental wellbeing matters most.

And yet, I stumble and I falter and I hesitate. I stay stuck and miserable. This transition period has been frustrating but probably necessary for me to be able to finally let go a little bit and then a little bit more. And I will continue to let go piece by piece until I am able to fully transition to my first career and my first love. The career that my 16 year old self knew I needed.

Until then, I’m so glad you’re along for the ride!

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to hang out with me.

Lots of love,

Yoga Mama